Be Still
by Cheetachan
Summary: Hearing him asking something along the lines of the meaning of his existence probably caught them of guard.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the TMNT. I'm just borrowing.**

 **WARNINGS: Faith based content.**

*

It was quiet night.

Well, quiet as far as New York went anyway.

Of course there was the usual sound of traffic, people bustling around, but all in all, it was pretty peaceful. He'd only heard two car horns go off so far. A new record.

Like icing on the cake, it had snowed about an hour ago. The city had a nice dusting and it was only gonna get thicker if the whether man was to be believed. It kind of looked like sugar, if you wanted his humble opinion (and really, who wouldn't?) it sparkled exactly like the stuff.

It was pretty; to bad it didn't taste like sugar though.

Mikey sighed contentedly, he really couldn't ask for a better view. And he had the spot all to himself to boot! He was glad he'd brought the camera April gave him, you never knew when inspiration for a new project would come along.

This was one of his favorite spots, for exactly that purpose. The roof was almost in a perfect position, you get take one heck of a panorama from there. He wouldn't mind catching a sunrise sometime. Provided he could sneak out without being noticed, which he doubted. Nighttime was one thing, but the morning? Not happening.

Did he mention this spot was kind of his little secret? No? Must have slipped his mind.

He wondered if his brothers had noticed his absence yet. Probably, but he hasn't been gone long enough yet to get them concerned.

Except Leo, he was always concerned. About everything.

It was nice to get away from the lair one in awhile. Sometimes you just needed some time to yourself.

Yeah, yeah, hard to belive right? Him, the 'clingy one', the 'social butterfly', Mr. Emotion extraordinaire needing time _away_ from people?

Please, try to maintain your composure.

But seriously, he did need some time away. Even from his brothers.

Don't get him wrong, he loved his bros! They were awesome. But they all had their own corners to retreat to, why couldn't he?

Whenever he'd get pensive, he bros got nervous. Understandable; he was a master prank artist after all. But really, he did think about things other than pranks.

Or comics.

Or movies.

Or his next greatest project.

Or that really weird green thing in the bathroom he's still not convinced isn't plotting to kill them all -

Wait where was he? Oh right, thinking. Paranoid brothers who worried about him thinking.

It was sort of insulting.

He knew he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but that didn't make him completely vapid. He wondered about things, asked big questions. He just didn't tend to _out loud_. He learned better.

He tried a couple of times, to voice his thoughts, the questions that bounced around his head. But the stares he got that screamed 'Who are you, and what have done with Mikey?' were enough to make him want to pull his hair out. Y'know, If he had any.

It kinda stung a little too.

At first, it irritated him. What, was Donnie the only Turtle allowed to use his mind?

He's not really sure he can blame them though. He didn't tend to show interest in heavy and serious topics, why would he? Totally brought you down and made you feel worse than they were worth. So hearing him asking something along the lines of the meaning of his existence probably caught them of guard.

A year ago that would have been the furthest thing from his mind. But now sometimes it's the only thing he can think about.

Around two months ago at the junkyard, he had stumbled across something: A book.

Want to try guess what the book was? Come on, try!

Give up?

It was...

... _A coloring book_.

Bet that's not what you were thinking, huh?

Well don't feel too bad, you were almost right.

It was an inspirational coloring book, at the time he didn't really care what kind it was. He'd been looking for a new one and -

What? Don't look at him like that. Coloring books are awesome, great things to test out new mediums and techniques on without wasting his sketch paper.

Just don't tell Raph, ok? If he took one look at the flowery and somewhat feminine patterns that often occupied them he'd Never - you see that capital N there? - _N_ everlet him hear the end of it.

Off track again, where was he? Oh yeah.

He actually didn't realize that it was inspirational until they got back to the lair. The cover was damaged, the front half was completely torn off. He'd only given it a quick scan to confirm that it was salvageable before sticking it in his pack.

The minute they got home he made a beeline for his room to better assess the the situation.

Once he got a look at it in the light, he could see the content was mostly intact. The missing front cover was the biggest issue. There was a little water damage, but nothing leaving it open to the air wouldn't fix.

He'd seen books in way worse condition, and made use of them all the same. Which was something he was rather proud of. Recycling at its finest, if he did say so himself.

It was while he was doing this he noticed what made this book different from others he'd found.

It wasn't the pictures, they were pretty standard.

It was the words.

You're probably expecting that they were Bible quotes. Well, yes a' no. Some were, but some were from people. That's what it seemed like to him anyway. He wished it showed the sources, but it looked like a printing error had left out the names. Some of the quotes looked like the might be incomplete too.

No doubt that's why whoevertheywere threw it away.

Well like they say, ones guys trash is another dudes treasure!

Being the curious turtle he was, he couldn't help flipping through the pages. The book was clearly meant to encourage you, and give comfort. He had to give the person who put it together credit; they did a pretty good job. It was full of verses and quotes that spoke of peace and hope. Three of the pages in particular stood out.

The first was a night sky, complete with moon and stars.

 _'He hath given his angels charge over thee; to keep thee in all thy ways.'_

Pslam 90: 11

That was cool thought, if any body needed heavenly back up it was them, with all the crazy things that happened to them on a regular basis. He grinned as he got a mental image of the Shredder getting decked by an angel.

He turned the page, eager to see the next one.

The next was a mountain side, with a lake and forest; it reminded him a little of a Kinkade painting. The quote was in the corner:

 _'For every house is built by some man: but he that created all things is God.'_

Heb 3:4

Um.

He wasn't sure how that one made him feel. It didn't seem to apply to him.

They weren't supposed to exist. That's what Donnie said anyway.

He didn't word it as coldly as that, but it was obvious that's how his genius older brother felt. They were mistakes of nature, not even that. If weren't for the mutation, they'd all just be normal turtles and a rat.

He didn't like thinking about it, it made him feel squirmy and uncomfortable inside, so he didn't usually let his mind stray that way. He skipped a couple pages ahead hoping to put it out of his mind. What he got was the opposite.

The last page had a design that looked a little like the solar system:

 _"All things were created by him and in him." col: 1: 16_

He closed the book. So much for putting it out of his mind.

'All things. '

It didn't mean him, it didn't. It meant people like April and Casey, they were supposed to exist. He wasn't. And for some reason that **_hurt_**.

But as he stared at the book in his hands, he couldn't help but wonder if maybe...

It wasn't often he hoped that Donnie might be wrong.

He's not going to say this started some super deep soul searching quest, because it really didn't. But it did get him thinking. It got him asking questions.

Thing was, who was there to ask?

He needed help with this. He tried to bring it up with his brothers, but to say it didn't go well would be an understatement.

They were watching something on TV together, he forgets what it was, and the other three were totally engrossed in it. He barely heard the dialog. It was rare they found something everybody could get into, shame he missed it.

It was during commercials it happened. His brothers were swapping ideas on were the storyline was headed, and he just blurted out:

 _"Do you guys ever wonder why we're here?"_

You could've heard a pin drop.

Maybe that hadn't been the best way to start that conversation. But as long as he had their attention he figured he may as well roll with it.

 _"I mean, do ever think about if God wants us here?"_

More silence. They glanced at eachother. Bad sign. He tried to clarify.

" _Okay like, don't you think it's crazy? How we got here. We were all there at the right place, at_ exactly _the right time bros! A few minutes later and_ poof _! No super awesome ninjas! But we were there, and so was sensei! That can't be a coincidence, so then it must mean we're supposed to be here, right?"_

They just stared mutely at him, mouths slightly agape. Raph was the first to recover and narrowed his eyes.

 _"What the heck have you been readin'?"_

It just kinda went down hill from there.

Of course he brought it up with Splinter too, and his father was supportive. But once you took out the vaguely mysterious sensei speak, summoned up he basically told him that he was gonna have to work this out on his own.

 _"We all have paths we must follow, my son. Some we must walk alone. "_

That hadn't really helped.

He tried a couple more times, but each time ended essentially the same way.

So he started keeping it to himself, which lead to him sneaking out every now and then, to try and clear his head. Hence why he was sitting in his secret spot at that very moment.

It was kinda cool that he managed to keep it a secret this long, no small feet when your whole family trains in stealth.

He still wished he could talk to someone about this though.

It wasn't like he expected them to have the answers, just hear him out.

Like he said before, his bros were great, always there when you needed them. But that didn't mean they always knew what you needed.

It wasn't that big of a deal he guessed.

But he wanted to be taken seriously, it wasn't just another weird 'Mikey thing' . It wasn't a comic or movie or **_whatever_**.

Why were they here? Why was he here?

Somewhere out there, was their a heaven?

Was there really an omnipotent being who thought about him? Who watched over him? Who loved him? All of them, and their friends?

He wasn't sure yet if he believed it... But he liked to think so. Maybe he did believe it, at least a little.

He knew he wasn't supposed to exist. Not as far as evolution was concerned.

But here he was anyway.

That had to mean something right? It wasn't a fluke like Donnie said. It wasn't.

Maybe he didn't need thier opinions on this one.

So what if he liked to take some comfort in it? So what if he believed the Man upstairs was keeping an eye on them? And maybe even meant for them to be there? _So what_ if he wanted be headed somwhere other than a hole in the ground?

His is gaze fell to the street below. There was no way to know for sure, but.…

Suddenly the clouds parted a little bit, just enough for him to catch a glimpse of a star. It wasn't much bigger than any other star, but it shone brilliantly. It gave a quick bright flash, and clouds covered it again. It was like it winked at him.

Did he imagine that?

Snow started to fall again, and the flakes sparkled like they were little stars themselves.

Something inside him felt like someone was smiling at him.

So he looked up, and smiled back.

*

 **Authors Note .**

Normally I put the notes at the top, but this time it didn't seem appropriate.

First, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.

Second, this is the first oneshot of a series I'm considering writing. 'Be Still' well be the name for the series as a whole as well. They won't all necessarily be in the same universe, but they will be loosely connected.

This is the starting point. The 'nexus' if you will.

Initially, this was written with the 2003 version in mind, but I think other versions show through.


End file.
